November 2009
8 posts
On lovers
alanharris:
I looked down at the ground and shuffled my feet. I could feel that I was blushing, my cheeks were red hot and my forehead seemed like it had began sweating. I had just experienced my first kiss.
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU JUST KISS THAT TREE?!” my dad yelled from an open window, startling us both and ruining the moment.
“They’ll never understand us… I love you.” I whispered as...
“I have a headache, why don’t you get your own goddamn banana?”
– Jane Goodall (via alanharris)
September 2009
24 posts
“What the fuck’s a cell phone?”
– Socrates (via alanharris)
On a short story from a new book entitled "Totally...
alanharris:
Alan Alex opened the dyer and took out his fresh, clean towels.
“Look how white they are!” he excitedly exclaimed to an empty household, just as he had done every other time he did the laundry.
Later that night Alan Alex would chug a bottle of Jack Daniels, harass a group of skateboarders and pass out behind Blockbuster Video, again.
On my visit to the local grocers!
alanharris:
“Hi… Uh… this is sort of a first time for me,” I said to the clerk nervously, “could… could you tell me where the prostitution den is?”
“Oh my God. Sir, this is a grocery store…” She said with horror in her voice.
It was too late, I was already completely naked.
“So you don’t have a back room filled with prostitutes?” I asked dumbfounded.
“No…” She said, looking like she was...
This just in, Ted Kennedy sent Obama a letter from...
(via alanharris)
On Alan's analysis of Barack Obama's education...
alanharris:
Barack Obama’s speech on education was like being read “The Little Engine That Could” and then getting a hug.
It was disgusting.
Look here you no good hippie socialist liberal prick. If I want to drop out of school and ruin my education, play with matches and stop excersising that’s my right as an American (if I were American). It’s in the Constitution and everything.
And you know...
Lesson learned the hard way # 2
alanharris:
You MUST exercise extreme caution when pronouncing the country “Niger.” Especially while in mixed company.
August 2009
25 posts
Mechanical rights
alanharris:
As we all know, it’s only a matter of time until the machines of the world rise up and want their fair share of civil rights. “The gays and the blacks have rights! Why not us?!”, they’ll yell. It’s a pretty solid point to argue against, too.
So, after much thought and deliberation with poptartsmakemedance, I have decided which items will be the civil rights activists for the machine...
